i got blood in my mouth...

there is nothing sweet left here

i am not happy to see you

i do not care

i am not looking forward to anything

least of all

any appearance otherwise 

is spun sugar

empty, fragile,

all effort and facade 

for nothing but a moment's brief taste 

of something other 

something not bitter

and then gone, wasted

forgotten

(no subject)

when did my life become this? a job i dread, a home i feel claustrophobic, a family i love but can't relate to....
did you realize that if you have sex only one a week, and accounting for the occasional headache, that means you'll have sex less than 50 times in a whole year?
that pretty much sums it up.

papertrail

everyday is an exercise in inanity. if it is all trivial, then is life just trivial? i can't tell anymore, if there are/were levels of importance related to all these annoying little necessities, they are lost on me now.  i only see whole mountain ranges of birth certificates, certified birth certificates, valid social security cards, school immunization records, renewal licenses, unofficial transcript, official transcript, test scores, grade forms, tax documents, receipts, more all locked in a box to keep them safe. like pandora i have to open it and when i do they swarm me like mosquitoes, draining the blood from me. what good is the blood if i don't have the proper documentation? without the paper trail, my children are not my children, my spouse is not my spouse, i am worth nothing, attached to nothing, my life is not my life. is that all it takes then? if i want out, can i commit suicide by certificates? i'll just burn the paper, cut it, drown it, and suddenly-i'm gone.  i do not think it works this way, i don't think i can kill the paper but i sure feel like the paper can kill me. 

saying...nothing

oddly enough, i am here because i can't say anything anymore.
all my words have left me.
i feel like the pile of dead leaves in the yard, the ones from last fall...no longer crunchy and light with the falling but now sodden and withered in various stages of decay-the top faded from the drying out all winter, and underneath a dark soft breakdown, no longer recognizable.
i am lost to myself, and to those i thought knew me.